My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
