you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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