A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
