That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
