why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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