I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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