Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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