I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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