we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
