my mouth tastes like poor choices
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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