I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
