Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
