I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
