A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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