I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
my phone needs a breathalizer
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
