I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
