Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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