i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
