I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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