She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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