i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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