Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
