There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
