You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
