you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Randomize
