Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I think I just sharted jello shots
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
