Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
and you fell through a lawn chair
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
