i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
