So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
