i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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