I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
