My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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