dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
please don't ironically join a cult
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