this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
