I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
