My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
