So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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