last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
