I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
