I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
