Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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