Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.

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(847): View more from Illinois

he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet

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(416): View more from Toronto

"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.

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(231): View more from Michigan

When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."

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(314): View more from Missouri

this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it

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