i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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