Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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