I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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