hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
