I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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