That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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