I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
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You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
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Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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