dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize
