i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
barbara walters just said penis...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
