So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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