god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's blow job season.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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