i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Randomize
