he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
