Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
