Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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