Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
