You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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